Why have you never once told me that you loved me? Why after all these years can I never even remotely remember a hug or a kiss from you? There are probably a handful of times I can actually remember where I spent time just with you, although judging by the look in you eyes i knew you wanted to be somewhere else. After 25 years i developed a sense of contempt towards you. Now i forgive you. I know that these actions were not necessarily your fault, but as a young maturing man now, i feel that I will not be become the same man you did. Why don’t you just tell me SOMETHING.
I love you Dad.
B, I am truly sorry for hurting you. It sickens me how I have treated you, broken the trust we shared and ruined what was special.
All is not lost though. I still love you and I always will. You need to be reminded of how kind you are. What a beautiful soul you have.
I just want it to be Us again – just the two of us. I wish the anger and resentment and jealousy and paranoia would leave forever. Maybe someday it will.
You arrived here when you were 17, and have worked selflessly your whole life. You tried to sell vegies by the highway in the country to feed a family of 5, then re-invented yourself as a merchant selling jewellery across the state. Long times away created festered other problems, but you weren’t the only one to blame, though I did for years. 13 years after the divorce you still buy enough fruit to feed all of us. I see love in so much of what you do, I just wish you could say it to me.
You, the person reading this, do not consume ethically. I know this, because I don’t consume ethically, we’ve created this monstrosity over the course of the last two centuries in this place, it’s disgusting it’s degrading and it needs to be stopped. Why aren’t you doing anything about it comrades? What can you do about it comrades? The genocide and exterminations that took place all across this country, the theft, the lies, no treaties and certainly no declaration of war. You’re culture is cisnormative, it alienates and humiliates, debases trans people, your culture is heteronormative, it ignores queer people. Your culture is a culture of rape and abuse, of excess and corruption. Your culture is racist, and so are your institutions for all of the above it is true. You care not for the plight of your comrades and are only concerned with meeting your desires. Don’t let us be led on like this any longer, our governments do not represent the people, they treat us with contempt and laugh behind closed doors as they steal our future and sell our children’s. What are you going to do about it comrade, the state is killing me, and you’re just standing there. I hope I haunt you. I hope the thought of the genocide of my people and of any people who have faced this horror. If you aren’t angry, you aren’t paying attention. if you aren’t paying attention, get out of the way.
Why do I feel so confused about you? I sense your longing and I am getting confused about needing. Do I want to love you, or do you need me to? I need to be allowed to work through this and I’m going to fuck it up sometimes. I don’t know if this is feeling quite right… it feels like so much is going unsaid… I don’t want buried words to be a feature of our relationship.
It’s not appropriate for me to tell you this. But I treasure you so completely. The world is made better by you being in it. I wish I could share with you my complete confidence in your ability to succeed in life, or a sense of how perfectly loveable you are. You’ve given me some of the happiest and most beautiful days of my life. Thankyou, you’ll never go unnoticed.
You’ve been away from this world for a while now. The train that
takes me where you are is getting closer to its destination as the days
pass, I still miss you…and never had the opportunity to thank you for
being there for me and my brothers and mum. I’ve now created this space
to reconnect with you and acknowledge the fact that even though we had
challenges, you brought me up in the best way. I’ve turned into a man of
high values because of you…
Everyday I look into myself and set a goal to be the best of me and
stay humble. Spirituality is deep grown in me because you pointed out
the way for me when you saw that spark of interest and this has brought
the most wonderful humans across my life.
We’ll meet in another form when I have to depart and join you but in
the meantime I miss sitting next to you and sharing a meal on a Sunday,
watch you being so happy around your kids, I miss the times when we
talked for hours at an end finding out what life was about, our walks to
the corner shop, getting the paper for you and seeing you shaving every
morning. It’s been a while since the last time we hugged and still can
smell the aftershave and the words you whispered in my ear that hot
afternoon when I launched myself into life.
Thank you for being beautifully imperfect dad
We’ll meet when my stop comes, till then rest peacefully.
With much love,
it’s been 12 years and i still think about you. and about how i let you
down. i have tried to forgive myself, but i still feel ashamed of how
careless i was. after all the crying and fighting, all the self
punishing and self loathing, i slowly found reasons to live and love
again. i’m married now… and though i love my husband, nothing, no other
partner or lover has ever been able to occupy my heart in the way that
you did, and still do. i was always and am still in love with you, and i
feel you in my life, but now it is not in a way that sets me free. now i
just feel like i wasted your love because i was too young to know what
it was. i just wish that you could know that, and find a way to trust
that what we had was real. my heart is, and was always half yours.
I was only 17. I had only just moved away to start my brand new life. You left me incapable of saying no and took what was not yours to take. You took some of the goodness from me. I was drowning for so long as I came to terms with what you did to me. I can still barely say it out loud. Part of me wants to forgive you and part of me wants to hurt you. I’m slowly forgetting, slowly healing. One day, I’ll forget your name and the thought of that is sheer bliss.